Monday, July 29, 2013

Moment of no return!!!

I had a moment on Friday - a moment that I didn't want to experience ever again. I think I have been waiting for a sign, something that just finally makes me realize that I just can not be the size that I am right now.

I go for two walks a day at work with some of my co-workers. No speed walking, just a chance to get out of the office and take our 15 minute breaks. Friday was not a very hot day, nothing like we have had in the last few weeks. And it was Friday, so I was wearing jeans, but there was something about that morning walk that just didn't go so well. I was wearing my boots, because I just could not wear my tennis shoes that day - even if it was casual Friday, but my white tennis' were not as white as I wanted them to be, so I had to opt for the boots. As we were walking I felt like the speed was faster than normal - which was a welcome sign. But I felt a bit overwhelmed - like I could not keep up. Was it the shoes or??

After making it back to my desk I was feeling uncomfortable. My bra was giving me discomfort, I had a bit of sweat on my forehead and wearing my jeans that day was probably not a good thing - as it turned out to be a bit more warmer than expected. As I sat to get back to work the sweat was taking me over. There was more then I thought there would be - was it the heat from outside, the jeans making it warmer for me, the way I had been eating lately and the sweat just taking me over (sometimes I feel that you sweat more based on what you do eat - that your body is getting rid of the toxins). I was feeling so out of sorts, that I had to go to the restroom to get a paper towel to take care of the sweat, because now it wasn't just on my forehead, but around my bra area. It was the most uncomfortable feeling. I felt like this big fat person and that is rare that I feel that way - I don't see myself that way, but Friday was that day - and that was something I was feeling, not something that people were judging me on.

In addition, in the last few weeks I hurt my back and have been nursing the soreness. I continue to sit at my desk and have to adjust my position quite often based on the minor back issue I have been having. (I have been praying to the standing desk god's to see if I might be able to have a standing desk at work - but that is something I have to research and make work for me, not ask my work to make it work for them - and yes, I think of Alan often from Pounds off Playoff blog that mentions the standing desk health benefits). I am seeing a chiropractor to take care of the issue, but I know that it is up to me to make sure I stay healthy - and this back issue is actually part of the long term effects of sitting so much during my work day.

So - with the walk, the sweat, the back - all those factors - feeling uncomfortable got worse and worse as my morning progressed.

I then had that click - that moment where I finally (YES, FINALLY) realized I don't want to feel this way ever again. I want to be healthy, I want to lose the weight. Yes, I need to lose the weight, but I WANT to lose it. That click. That moment of no return!! It is time - in fact, there is no more time to waste. I have been sitting too long. It is my turn, my time, my decision - no one can tell me to do it or not do it.

That feeling on Friday was the worst feeling in the world, even if it only lasted for a few minutes, but it was a feeling I didn't want to experience again.

This weekend - the beginning of the end - I know I have said this several times before, but I have to make this happen now. I am going to make this happen. This is my time - the moment of no return !!!


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