De Ja Vu Moment

Actually, I don't think it is that kind of De Ja Vu - it might be disappointment, or kicking myself or what the heck happened moment!!

I have just read my posts from November of last year - like this one -
http://werelosingit2011.blogspot.com/2011/11/another-year-has-come-and-gone.html

and again I was saying to myself - what the heck happened - or am I re-living the moment? Because this morning - as I was turning another year older I was doing it again - dedicating my weight loss to my age - what - not again !!!! I found myself saying "45 pounds" for my 45th year - isn't that how I started last year (but one number off) and that I never hit that number? Am I going to hit that number this year - and maybe even 5 extra more????

I have been and have wanted to blog about it for weeks - but I am letting life get in the way. Actually - I am letting the fact that I am taking care of others and not myself first is what is getting in the way. I have been doing some sole searching, trying to figure out where I am in all of this being unemployed moment. I am hurt, ashamed, annoyed, frustrating and I know what I need to do - why am I not doing it. The blog had been so helpful - so that is step 1 - getting back to it!!

Saw myself in the mirror tonight at the restaurant we were eating at - and I was shocked at what I saw. With each passing bite I forced myself to look in the mirror. I wanted to make sure I was watching myself eat. It was horrific. I was disgusted, annoyed and kept saying over and over in my head - how in the world have I gotten this big - how come I am not smaller - what am I doing to my body. I NEED to lose weight - I WANT to lose weight. Again - having that DeJaVue Moment (am I spelling that right- oh, you know what I mean).

Want to write more, but have a most important tomorrow. A job interview that I am in the dark about. Maybe that is a good thing. For one, the phone message - I thought they guy said his name was John  - nope, it is Renaldo - how did that happen. I normally print out the jobs that I am applying for - and this one, must have skipped that step - don't really have a list of what they are looking for, but do have a good idea of what they will be looking for. I figure this - the other jobs that I have interviewed for - I am been fully prepared, got myself all worked up and well - if I am at the opposite end for this newest "meet & greet" then I will be getting the job - right??? Keeping positive all is going to go well - and what that I will head to sleep and get back to never having a DEJAVUE moment in regards to my weight loss again - looking forward to moving in the right direction (again)

MO