Friday, November 2, 2012

De Ja Vu Moment

Actually, I don't think it is that kind of De Ja Vu - it might be disappointment, or kicking myself or what the heck happened moment!!

I have just read my posts from November of last year - like this one -

and again I was saying to myself - what the heck happened - or am I re-living the moment? Because this morning - as I was turning another year older I was doing it again - dedicating my weight loss to my age - what - not again !!!! I found myself saying "45 pounds" for my 45th year - isn't that how I started last year (but one number off) and that I never hit that number? Am I going to hit that number this year - and maybe even 5 extra more????

I have been and have wanted to blog about it for weeks - but I am letting life get in the way. Actually - I am letting the fact that I am taking care of others and not myself first is what is getting in the way. I have been doing some sole searching, trying to figure out where I am in all of this being unemployed moment. I am hurt, ashamed, annoyed, frustrating and I know what I need to do - why am I not doing it. The blog had been so helpful - so that is step 1 - getting back to it!!

Saw myself in the mirror tonight at the restaurant we were eating at - and I was shocked at what I saw. With each passing bite I forced myself to look in the mirror. I wanted to make sure I was watching myself eat. It was horrific. I was disgusted, annoyed and kept saying over and over in my head - how in the world have I gotten this big - how come I am not smaller - what am I doing to my body. I NEED to lose weight - I WANT to lose weight. Again - having that DeJaVue Moment (am I spelling that right- oh, you know what I mean).

Want to write more, but have a most important tomorrow. A job interview that I am in the dark about. Maybe that is a good thing. For one, the phone message - I thought they guy said his name was John  - nope, it is Renaldo - how did that happen. I normally print out the jobs that I am applying for - and this one, must have skipped that step - don't really have a list of what they are looking for, but do have a good idea of what they will be looking for. I figure this - the other jobs that I have interviewed for - I am been fully prepared, got myself all worked up and well - if I am at the opposite end for this newest "meet & greet" then I will be getting the job - right??? Keeping positive all is going to go well - and what that I will head to sleep and get back to never having a DEJAVUE moment in regards to my weight loss again - looking forward to moving in the right direction (again)


1 comment:

Michele said...

So great to see that you are back in boggy land! Happy birthday! Hope tht interview was great! Anyhow, let's make ths 45th year count? Okay?. Stay strong and get going!