Monday, April 23, 2012

Sleeping, but time to WAKE UP

There is so much to talk about, that I really don't know where to start. I have all this stuff in my head and I just need to get it out. So, I will apologize right now - hoping not to get off topic too much, but want to share so much. Hoping you can keep up and totally understand that this lady is just itching to get so much out!!! If I don't, then I am going to explode.

For those of you that are new to this blog, I am MO - of the Mer and Mo aspect. Two good friends, doing our best to lose weight. Mo has more to lose, but both of us have so much to gain - the confidence, the good feelings of fitting into those "too small for us" clothes and taking on new exercise challenges. So much that we both want to accomplish. Mo, however, is struggling. Yes, that is the worst word to type right now.  It took me a moment, but I am at a huge turning point and I am hoping that I can have a post next week that will be more confident. So - a little bit more about me - for those that need to catch up - Mo - Single Mom, busy with an 11 year old, live in the Northern California area (most of my life), have a wonderful house, wonderful extended family, friends, love to be involved with Scouting, non-dating scene (wishing for even those worst dates), and recently unemployed. There are some positives in that description and some negatives - especially that last word - unemployed. The economy caught up with my construction job, and well, it has been two months without work.

Yes, I am struggling (or what I want to call it - Sleeping my way through life right now). I wish I was not, but I am. Before losing my job I was struggling to get back on track with my weight loss, and since that date things have just sort of gone down hill. I have not been as dedicated to this weight loss journey as I should be. Back in 2011 I lost a good 40 pounds and since last June (yes, last June) I have been up, down, down, and up again - I have been up for many months now. As of today's weigh my weight loss has changed from being down 40 pounds to being only down 24. Wow - that is awful. I get going with the walking and then stop again. I get going with a workout tape and then stop again. I tell myself each morning that this is a new day, but then by the end of the day I am snacking into the late evening. Even with being unemployed I am hitting the fast food joints. I find myself drinking more soda when I am out and about. I set the alarm for 5 am and it goes off, I wake up and then just shut it off (and the sad part is I have to get out of bed - really get out of bed - to actually shut it off), but then I go right back to bed. I hear my self talk just tell me "you can exercise later", "you can do it after you take Aman to school", "it will be okay, you will get to the exercise later today" - then later today happens and then I have not done what I need to do.

I was thinking about it - I am not struggling, I am just asleep at the wheel in this weight loss process. Maybe if I dream just in the right way the weight will come off, right? Wishful thinking!! Where is that wake up call? When will the next wake up call actually get me to stay awake and get back on track 100% and lose the weight I need to lose, then I will want to keep losing weight and then my need and want will turn into my everyday life - it won't be a struggle, it won't be a hard process???

Here are some wake up calls I have experienced in the last few weeks:

Wake up call #1 - You know you need to do something about your late night eating when you go to the dentist and they have to give you 6 numbing shots to give you a deep cleaning. You then have to go back a week later for your actual polish and they tell you that you have to come back for the next year every three months, rather then every 6 months. (the worst - I will never do that again, floss, floss, floss and stop the late night eating!!!)

Wake up call #2 - You look in the trash can and see more fast food bags then in the last year.

Wake up call #3 - Your new favorite smaller size jeans are being worn so much that they need to be replaced, but you can't buy a size smaller because you have not lost any more weight.

and I will say this next Wake Up Call is my final one -

Let me explain - When you live in the United States and are let go from a job, sometimes you get the option of having your health insurance coverage continue - also known as COBRA and pay for it at a very high cost. I am paying well over $550.00 to keep my health insurance Good thing that I was able to get a good tax refund, because that is the only way I am able to afford this high cost of coverage. In the process I am trying to get my own individual coverage, not only to save on cost, but to save on cost (LOL). At the beginning of March I applied for coverage for both me and my son. Waiting, Waiting, Waiting and finally there was something in the mail. My son was approved, which is now saving me over $200.00 of my own portion for his medical coverage through his father's employment insurance. However, the letter was not promising for me.

This was for sure my wake up call!!! I am being told that I can't get insurance because I am too FAT. Yes, I have to write that word - FAT!!! and I have had to say this word over and over in my head and a few times out loud. I have always said things like - "overweight", "big", "heavy", but never the "F" word. It is just so dramatic for me. Yes, the letter does not actually use the "F" word, but they might have well said it.

and I paraphrase:

Height: 5 feet, 6 inches
Weight: 241 pounds

Based on the above figures, your body mass index (BMI) is calculated to be 38.9. Our medical underwriting guidelines preclude coverage under any of our medically underwritten plans to any female applicant with a BMI of 37.9 or greater.

The letter does note 6 other factors. A few because of the most recent medical tests I had for my heart issue that turned out to be nothing. The letter continues to say:

1) consistently maintain her weight at or below 228 pounds for a minimum of 6 months, as documented in medical records

Yes, if I don't have insurance, how in the world can I have it medically documented? I do have the option of trying another company, trying to convince this one company that I really am healthy - but I am just going to move on. I have talked to my rep and well, there are very few options for me, but I am going to exhaust all of them and see what happens. In the process, of course, take this wake up call as a reminder- that losing weight is not a sleeping moment. I have to be wide awake, fully aware and full committed to losing this weight to make myself healthy, happy and a better person for me (and my son)!!!!

This last week has been a hard one for me. Harder then you would think. The phone has not been ringing for interviews I am doing my best to be positive, as much as I can, but when they say that being out of work is hard, they are right. Things to be upbeat about -

1. I am working out each day. Even with me not getting up early, I am still taking in a daily walk, a workout in front of the TV or taking the time to stretch.
2. I finally cleaned up the garage and I can see my punching bag and pilates board again - the workout space is ready to go again.
3. My family and friends are helping me - a friendly phone call, a chat or a walk down the road - they are there to help when I am feeling down.
4. My son "bridged" from the Cub Scout level to the Boy Scout level and this has made Mom very very happy - not only for the time that it took to run a large group of Scouts, but that my son is growing up, helping me out and making me proud everyday!!!!!

Keeping my chin up - oh, and hey - I just got a phone call for a job interview - Woo Hoo - a new day, a new wake up call, life is what you make of it, and I need to make the best of it no matter what comes by way.

More to come later this week. Missing the blogging and missing the support I get from it all. Wishing all of you the best this week !!!!

MOtivated MO


E. Jane said...

I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now. But I'm also glad that there are some things that are going well and that friends are supportive and your son is doing well with scouts. Keep working at it, and take support from other bloggers, friends, and family. There will be better days ahead!

Jo said...

The insurance thing. That is the one thing that got me moving my butt more than anything. I knew that "someday" I would have to apply for private insurance and they would look at my weight and my health history and find a way to deny me. Well, I was going to do everything I could to be healthy. So I got to a healthy BMI and weight. Now I just have to keep diabetes, heart disease, and all the "meanest" health monsters away. Wow, wakeup call indeed!

I had wondered where you were. You do have a lot going on right now. With the phone ringing so often, you are bound to get a decent job. And congrats on your son's achievement! You needed a positive during all this.

All I can tell you is, stop the junk and fast food. Brush your teeth. Drink your water. Move your butt. While you have extra time, spend some of it (a lot of it) on investments in yourself.

And big hugs from me. Let us know how you're progressing!

spunkysuzi said...

Wow I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with insurance.

I know it is rough right now but if it gives you the push to get to where you want to be it may seem worth it in the end.

Good luck with your interview!!