I looked over the email with some of the details of their visit I started to feel myself get nervous. If we head up to Tahoe it will be nice, but the kids might go skiing or snow boarding. (Yes, there is still snow in California - even getting another 2 inches this weekend). Aman has only been in the snow to make snowmen and snowballs. What - what do you mean the kids might hit the slopes?? I am not sure about that and I don't want Aman to feel left out. Money hits me, but the biggest thing that hits is the fact that I know that I don't have the confidence to join him on this adventure. There is no way in heck that I will get on skies being the weight I am right now. It is too embarrasing. I would have to find a good jacket and ski pants. No way, no how am I going to make that purchase for one trip and well, there is no way I will find something that is going to fit me just the right way. That is just one anxiety. With that thought comes another thought - look at what I am going to miss out on. Why did I wait so long to lose this weight? If I was smaller I would have more confidence. I could do this with him, but I can't - yes, my brain waves are hitting me hard right now. I can watch from the sidelines, but the thought of that hurts. I remember the first time I went skiing - it was too funny - got stuck on the chair lift and they had to help me off. Then my little sis and I had gotten the bottom of our skies wet and they froze on the way up to the top of the mountain. We had to lay down in the snow and wait for our Dad to scrap off the ice. We had a great time as a family on this experience. I want to experience that (maybe not the stuck on the chair lift thing), but I want to be with him on the slopes. Oh - why am I thinking too hard for - the snow is cold, it is hard to ski, maybe Aman won't like it. Oh - what am I saying - he will like it....just thinking - no worries - just thinking.....not beating myself up about the fact that I am not the size I want to be to join him on the slopes, just a bit sad that I have allowed myself to get to be this size and glad that I am on a journey to change that factor. I will get on those slopes one day - you never know - might be next year!!! And the Aman and I can have fun - I am changing my life for the better and there are so many new adventures to be tackled with my son - so excited for what my future has in store for me.
Then there is this - the fact that my size 6 sister is coming to visit. You see, she has always been small. Tiny - Skinny - Can eat whatever she wants kind of figure kind of gal. I hate that. My mom had 6 of us - what the heck - how come a few of us are the size we are and the other 4 just seem to have it easy and never have gone past a size 10 pant size. What the heck?! I have always had an anxiety of seeing my sister. I have lost some weight, but do you ever get the feeling that you wished you had prepared better, that you had more time, that you could have tried harder and that you are kicking yourself that you are not at the size you want to be for this visit from a relative - yep, that is how I feel.
However - no matter what - sister visit or not - I am going to move forward!! Continue this journey - I will be thinner the next time she comes - maybe this visit she will see the "new" (old) me. I am on the right track and that my sister is not going to control how I feel - now or in the future!! I am looking good, I feel good, I have the spark back in my life. Yes, I have waited too long for this time in my life, but I WILL NOT kick myself for what could have been. Embrassing me - going to keep losing the weight - getting stronger - lighter - thinner - sexier - me again - the me that is fun, confident, expressive and so full of life!!
No matter what happens next week I will handle it well. The anxiety of the visit and snow trip will go by the wayside. I will get through this - I know I will - no worries. Thanks for letting me share.