Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Difficult Climb right now

All over the place with this email - hope I do conclude it well...............

This week has had its ups and downs. I am doing my best. Today was the worst. I get into these little states of heavy sighing moments, the crying and the well, don't want to do anything moments. Today was one of those days.

I did - however- take in two walks. I did a 2.5 mile walk with my neighbor at 9 am. Got home and went back to bed. Had a reasonable lunch and then did some odd and ends on the computer. Got all frustrated when there still was not much work to apply for, the one job I did apply for I had submitted my resume for about 2 months ago (what are they waiting for - have the stupid interviews already -  I am more then qualified for the job, even if it is a night shift). Two more jobs surfaced and I have to wait two more days to actually apply for one before they start to accept outside applicants. Hey, it will go on the "to do" pile. As I thought I was just about the loss it for the day, my sister came home. She is staying with me for a few days (which has been nice) and she got home early from work and off we went for our 2.5 mile walk.

As I was taking this second walk I was in a huge state of heavy sigh moments. Just kept sighing and sighing and well, not really sure why I was doing that, but all at the same time actually knew that I needed to sigh to get some of the emotions out of me. I wanted to break down and cry. I am still not working and well, I know what I need to do to help my thinking. I need to be happy with me. I need to work out and help my state of mind, but working out is not what I want to do right now. Having a workout buddy is so helpful right now.  I really want that job to come knock on my door, offer me the work and off I will go each morning. Well, that is wishing upon a star that is far far off in the galaxy right now.

I will say, that at the end of the walk I did not want to cry anymore. I was not sighing and I did not reach for a candy bar to comfort my pain.

I then had a very good dinner. Did not go for seconds and well, the temptation of dessert was far from my mind.

But then, for some reason I got on the computer again. You see, I am now the President of my sons' schools' PTA - I sort of went kicking and screaming into doing this position and now I know why. A new email surfaced the other day that told me I had to submit some sort of paperwork for some sort of number that the State will issue. Well, tonight I decided to tackle this email. I really should have not done that. I love to volunteer, but this time I am not in love with this type of position.

As I sit typing and being mad at the world of PTA right now I hear my stomach talking. I think, am I hungry? Nope, I know what it is - my stomach is adjusting. That is a good thing. I had a friend years ago that got the Bypass Surgery (she really thought and researched this long and  hard before doing it) and as she was losing the weight and kept losing her stomach would always do some heavy "talking" We figured out that it was her stomachs way of saying "I am adjusting" - "I am okay - just need to realize you are not eating all that you used to it - and that is a good thing". I love it when my stomach talks to me.

So, as the clock turns 9 pm I could turn to the kitchen and get something to take the edge off of my anxiety of not having a full-time job (or even a job for that matter) or that I am upset with my PTA duties or that I didn't get the house cleaned (again) today - but no, I am going to head to bed and make sure I count my blessings -

I got in a good workout today. I drank all my water today. I am healthy. My son is healthy. I have a home to keep me warm. I have family and friends that care. I am who I am for the time being and I will not let my emotions control my eating.

Yes, I am having a difficult climb up my ladder of weight loss success, but for the time being I am still climbing and I might have struggles from time to time, but I will pat myself on the back when victory is mine!!! This too will pass. I will be stronger and better (and thinner) for it!!!!


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